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Note: This is Part II of a two‑part session and is designed to be attended after Part I.
Every single one of us has an internal script that tells us we aren’t good enough. Every. Single. One. And our fear of naming our fear is holding us back. When was the last time you heard a leader say, “Give me a moment. I’m experiencing fear, and I’m worried it will impact what I do next?” Instead, we allow fight or flight to sweep us into our unconscious patterned behaviors: command and control, anger, disengagement, overthinking- the very things that reinforce a culture of disconnection and fear. Around and around we go. This cycle is compounded by the fact that we are inundated with knowing about leadership—articles, frameworks, titles of the “good” types of leaders, endless “you should’s.” Guess what? We know. We KNOW! We want to be those leaders. Desperately. And yet we feel stuck. It turns out that knowing what makes us strong leaders isn’t enough. We cannot KNOWLEDGE ourselves into new behaviors, and we feel guilty that we can’t.
It takes two things to break this cycle:
We must acknowledge fear in the moment (it is a normal part of the human experience anyway)
We must have skills we can rely on when things get “hot.”
Let’s begin with a practice Brene Brown practice calls “Above/Below the line,” (Strong Ground, 2025). Brene and her team use the model below (attributed to Robert Kiyosaki) to reinforce the power of acknowledging fear (the “line”) and choosing to stay ABOVE it by intentionally selecting our behaviors instead of allowing our own “below the line” unconscious behaviors to drive. Brene refers to the pause and acknowledgement of fear as the divider. This line separates the moments when we are able to act as coach creator, or challenger, from our more common fear-driven defaults of hero, victim, or villain. If you are confident you never react as hero, victim, or villain- we encourage you to challenge that belief.
Awareness of fear is the first step. It plants our feet on the line and introduces the possibility of choosing an intentional response. Staying above the line requires a whole lot more than just insight/knowledge. In fact, if you are like us, it can feel like an all-out cat fight! Staying anchored above the line requires us to endure discomfort. It turns out that change does not happen at the speed of our knowing—but at the speed of our nervous systems- those same nervous systems often flooded by “I’m not good enough”. Even when emotions are raw, this requires us to hold discomfort, to pause, and to stay present with ourselves. We think of it like the ability to hold our own hands.
No one can do this work for us. Psychological safety in the environment is necessary—but insufficient. We must find our own pause buttons and learn to press them in the moments that matter— unlocking capacity by naming that we are experiencing fear, challenging the beliefs that we are not good enough, and trusting our own ability to engage intentionally. Only then can we move from our patterned reactions to intentional action—to build trust with those around us, which enables learning. This is how we get unstuck.
Fear-driven “below the line” patterns look like telling, power-over, disengagement, silence, anger, over-emotion, over-analysis, and overwork. These behaviors disconnect us from others and further dysregulate our nervous systems in a self-reinforcing loop. We don’t choose them consciously. We don’t wake up in the morning and set a goal to be the hero, or to assume a victim mentality. We have learned those patterns throughout our lives, and in some settings they are even reinforced/rewarded. We all have been in huddles that celebrate the heroes who let fear drive and circumvent a system.
So, first we must acknowledge our own fears and build our ability to endure discomfort. Then, we reach for specific skills we have already practiced in a safe environment.
Connection-building “above the line” behaviors—curiosity, listening, and genuine questions—interrupt this loop and create the conditions for learning and trust. One of our anchors in this work has been the book Humble Inquiry by H Shein, which offers a practical pathway for staying “above the line” by inviting curiosity in place of certainty, especially when fear is present. Schein emphasizes asking genuine, open questions that reduce defensiveness, build trust, and keep relationships intact—creating the conditions where people speak more freely and notice fear without being driven by it. In this way, Humble Inquiry becomes a framework for interrupting patterned reactions and intentionally choosing connection, learning, and shared understanding.
When the three of us coach teams, we use a set of balancing skills (think of them helping you balance on top of the line). We print the icons on a physical piece of paper for each team member so they have something tangible to hold onto. And then we practice together in safe spaces. This work is not magic.
You don’t have to be born with these skills. You CAN learn them. And it takes practice.
Maybe this ignites fear for you. Maybe this feels scary or overwhelming because it is so counterculture. Can you acknowledge your fear so you can climb onto the line? Can you imagine tolerating the discomfort of the unfamiliar or unpredictable, and then choosing your next move from a clear set of explicit skills you know will build trust with those around you instead of breaking it down? We believe you can.
